[From a work titled "Hold Space," written in 2005]
I guess if men have mid-life crises, women can be said to
have one big whole-life crisis. That obnoxious chatter that wrings your head
out like a wet rag with its constant overanalyzing of every single detail – all
the “should have dones,” and “never agains,” and the “hard lessons learned.”
I’m chronicling mine. Why? I want the chatter to stop. So I’m spilling it out
of my head and onto these pages so I can walk back up to it, stare at it, poke
it, and make it start answering questions.
I will tell you though, I have learned more than I ever
thought I would by this age. Lord knows if our age is determined by how much
wisdom we have gained from our life experiences, I’m dying a scholar. In fact,
I’ve started thinking of 25 year old self in terms of, “What would my inner 40
year old self say in a situation like this? What would she do knowing all she
does about what life hands us? What would she think knowing that there is some
meaning and purpose to it all?”
I have so much adoration for my most mature inner 40 year
old self because she is so comfortable in her own skin and wears the world as a
loose garment. She knows sometimes she has to jump off cliffs and build her
wings on the way down. She knows she has too many edges to be a conventional
shape. She knows broken bones, once they have healed, are stronger than bones
that have never been broken. She knows people are moons and have a dark side.
She knows all too well that talk is cheap. She knows denial wastes tremendous
amounts of precious energy. She knows when to stop turning red flags into pink
ones. She knows revelation can be hard and that revolution can be harder. She
knows the greatest pain is disillusionment. She knows people can evny that
which they condemn. She knows everything can be taken away without warning. She
knows that sometimes you have to let go to get your sense back. She knows the
unexpected is to be expected. She knows that sometimes she has to pierce the
barriers, becoming scarred, so that a path can be cleared.
She knows that God always has the last say and that
she will never know His grand design. She knows waiting by the phone is a waste
of time. She knows that you can't make someone change. She knows it is
unreasonable to think people will stay the same. She knows she has to deal the
cards she was dealt. She knows turning off will not protect her. She knows that
fear is only a response to the unknown. She knows she can adapt to change. She
knows she can always trust in her ability to learn. She knows jealousy is
projected insecurities. She knows that when you take time off from working, you
learn more about yourself than you ever wanted to. She knows how to hope for
the best but still anticipate the worst. She knows that the single most
powerful way to relate to people is through compassion. She knows how many
shoulders she is standing on and is grateful for each person who has lifted
her. She knows true maturity comes from the courage found in facing obstacles
head on. She knows when she needs to draw a new map or retrace her steps.
She knows she doesn’t have trust or commitment issues
because she opened herself to healing her wounds. She knows she never makes the
same mistake twice. She doesn't think she is a man because she knows she has
great power in her femininity. She knows that every step forward is probably a
step away from where she doesn’t want to be. She knows she is better for
everything she has overcome. She knows people who say she can't accomplish
something can go sod off. She knows that mistakes are only lessons to be
learned. She knows a good healthy cry is the quickest way to get over it. She
knows that when she asks for something out of conviction, she usually gets it.
She knows she has strength she doesn't even know yet. She knows never to let
people “should” on her. She knows love never dies a natural death. She knows
that she can trust that the future will open doors. She knows the truth always
finds her in time. She knows that sometimes you have to come crashing down
before you can wake up.
She knows that whatever happens, she will handle it....
